on moving my butt around

Before I even want to start a work out, I always ALWAYS take almost an hour trying to psycho myself into doing it. And this is like, 5 or 6 times a week. And in between the work out I always ALWAYS feel like killing myself. Why do I do this?? Why did I even think I can finish this?? WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR???

And it's true, what the hell am I doing this for? Not many people are going to see the results, people assume I'm a sedentary blob and I feel like shit while doing it (does feels great after though). It's not like I'm doing it for anyone.

Well, I'm doing it for myself. Is that a little narcissistic? Maybe. Actually, more like self-obsessed and insecure. Wow this is becoming a pattern in all my posts: my insecurity. But it's true. I can't stand going back to being overweight. I hated myself all through the last 3 weeks of the semester because I stopped running and exercising because of studies. All the fats jiggling in the wrong places. Maybe it's to make up for the lack of a chest, maybe it's to just look healthier beneath my clothes but it's all for vanity. Yeah, I do want to be fitter (so I can eat more) but I also want a nicer ass and nicer legs. Not to mention look adequate next to the boy at the beach, since he's all well built and dark and handsome (but not tall).

I hate the ache and the breathlessness while moving. Is this what death feels like? It's an exaggeration, but if effort is pain then am I not closer to death? Okay, that's not true. And the pain is to remedy the convergence of my many insecurities. I complain about it but still do it because I want a nice butt. And other areas.

Yeah okay this has been quite dumb, there are more important things to talk about like Syria and the economy but I can be smart elsewhere and it's usually not here.