le sentiment de l'appartenance

Obviously, the feeling of belonging does not exist here. Look, I am so out of place that I even look photoshopped into my room.

wonder

I find myself becoming busier and busier, overcommitting in school, falling back in studies and trying (pretty hard) to catch up, "socialising", trying to help a friend run his business. And while the me from years back would have felt energised amidst the chaos and a schedule that never stops, it all feels quite meaningless right now. Is the reason why I busy myself because I am so empty? I sometimes think it's because I'm scared of admitting to myself that I am alone, I am my own being. So maybe that's why I let myself continue to be busy, continue to do everything in my capacity to forget that I do not matter, I am dispensable and disposable. I wonder, do all the things I do only serve to remind me I exist?

Haven't blogged for a while. Mostly because school is really hectic, and while I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere (it's already week 5!), I'm getting used to it. There's this girl here who tells me to treat NUS like it's an american university, where it's so massive that you contend with the loneliness and see it as a good thing. In lectures you don't need to have an identity; it is enough to be alone, listening to what the lecturer is saying, no one bothering with knowing who you are, not having to bother about who everyone is. I guess I'm still trying to understand that, but I'm on my way there.

Other than that, I've signed up for too many activities and I can see myself overcommitting. There goes your CAP, Amanda.