I always find my memories more beautiful when I am nostalgic and long for familiarity. I could forget all the bad and remember everything in hazy warmth, wishing to go back to the good days which weren't very good at all. Cinnamon rolls taste sweeter nursed in the forgetfulness of my memories, while half-imagined conversations rolled off the tongue easier in memory.

Why is there always this constant distaste for the present? Reality merely doesn't satisfy my need for belonging, while memory, in not belonging, seems the best place to be. I catch myself forgetting the worst parts of my high school life, and I realise I want to forget. It is simply too painful to remember my past and live my present bitterly. Either one has to be masked in falsehood, and only the past can be misrepresented because of the very fact that the present exists.

Finals week start next week, and I know I'm supposed to be nervous and focused, but all I can feel is a lot of loneliness and some measure of feeling out of place. I feel so vastly different from the people around me but I didn't have this feeling some weeks before. I get so irritated so easily. Did something change when I didn't notice? Is there something wrong with me? Why is it that I always feel so negative about everything around me?

I find solace in the boy, but I know that it's not good to be utterly emotionally dependent on him. I need other people on my life too. 

Why do I feel so alienated when people are speaking a language that is supposed to be my mother tongue? My incoherence makes me feel out of place. I can't imagine what people who don't understand feel. Do they appreciate the beauty of the unknown and remain frustrated, like me?

Essay is due in 35 hours and I have not started augh fucking hell.

If this goes on, I am going to go Carrie on everyone here.

I have physical contact with guys, but what makes hugging or even just being physically close to the person I love different is the familiarity and comfort that proximity brings. The usual scent, the soothing voice, the very presence, it all makes a difference for me. It all reminds me that I am in love.