If home is where the heart is, and my heart belongs with you, my home belongs in the spaces between your bones, in your blood and in your flesh, under your skin and in every strand of hair, and that would all sit very well with me.

This week has been pretty tiring and I am looking my worst and bleeding A LOT hahaha is this tmi but anyway, this morning I was registering for O-Week (like, why do we need to even register for this?!) and someone approached me to join the Arts pageant and right now I look like this

lbr I look terrible

memory

I miss the smooth, soothing quality that your voice had over me when we talk in real life. I miss the gentle strength in your hands and in the way you carried yourself. I miss the light breeze of your breath as we stand next to each other, the steady rhythm reminding me of your presence. In your absence, my memory gives me faint shadows of your comforting presence, and in your presence, my consciousness conveniently takes no notice of the smaller details. But over the phone, as we argued and as we reconciled, the tiniest details played out, over and over again, I choked, not because we had fought, but because I remembered.

I said nothing in reply when you told me that you missed me, but you knew that the depth of my yearning was as infinite as the silence of my response.

I'm getting really worried, what if everyone secretly hates me at work even though I think most people are nice?

So I kind of made the boy hang out with his old friends even though he was okay with spending time with me because I felt like I was hoarding him for too long during weekends but now I just feel a little lonely and no one is free to hang out with me so here I am eating nuggets at home but they forgot to give me my fries in the take out bag so I am just sad.

I miss having conversations about things that matter, rather than empty ones that are about air and fluff, or things we encounter daily but never in relation to the bigger picture. I feel suffocated on the screen and in my room. It's all so very stifling these days.

future

I was in the backseat of the car of a friend and his brother, who was driving and had a charming voice. Somehow, the combination of the voice, the night, the alcohol and the criticisms of my future school gives me a certain intense nausea that makes me feel nervous, afraid (but also, sleepy). In such a short ride home, the resolution in me to major in humanities in this country crumbled and all I am left with is fear, apprehension and a sense of displacement. Was my education in the humanities for nothing?

It feels like the country is trying to tell me that the humanities are only for people who can afford it. If you love it, and you're rich, great, you can go overseas and pursue a humanities education that would be recognised and appreciated here, if not only for the name of said overseas college. If you love it, you're bright, but cannot afford the education overseas, getting into a law faculty here is still "great" (because I feel that law is not for everyone but that is another topic altogether). If you love it, but you're short of the grades or ability to get into a law faculty, you're stuck with the few options here that aren't the strongest faculties in their respective schools. The charming voice told me, "You're going to the best school here but to its worst faculty." and that scares me. Other mentions of "soul-sucking" and "becoming one of 'them'" (I have no idea what that means) intimidate me even more. Is studying the humanities here really that pointless and painful? What is with the general impression of the local humanities faculties?

I know I won't get any answers until after I experience the faculty for myself. By then, if I regret it, or if I do become too disillusioned, the so-called "solutions" would be to take a gap year or to transfer. What then?

The future of my education feels so tentative and uncertain. Or maybe I should just shut up and "be happy with what I have", but it's never that simple, is it?

gratuitous \(^O^)/

I like my job but I am also tired yay photos of myself