Short notes:

1. My dad told me that I won't be staying in hall in my second year. Wanted to throw things at him but maybe I should think about it too,

2. I sometimes wish that I could post photos of us up on social media without having to overly worry about my parents (since they're both on Facebook and Instagram) and then it makes me think about the deeper problems I will face in my relationship and it just makes me wish I didn't wish for anything in the first place.

Other than that, yay not so bad day today.

first coherent post in a while

Highly irrelevant picture to break the introspective nonsense I've been typing for who knows how long.

I don't really know what happened with my blog. It wasn't meant to be so emotional and introspective when I first started out. But school and people and everything gets me down. Haha Amanda you're so lame.

Over the past few months in school (it was mostly hall) I have realised that I am a very insecure, inward looking, self-conscious, needy person but at the same time I can't bring myself to reach out to too many people. And when I lay it all down in words, I sound quite unappealing to myself too.

The same things repeat constantly in my head: insecurity, inadequacy, weariness, anger and sadness. Still feeling a bit of all that, but I'm trying to move off from this stagnancy. Got really angry and upset with a lot of things yesterday and a bit of today, but I reached home, away from almost everything and I feel so much better.

And on the car ride home, I am reminded of why I love theatre so much and I'm glad to have found at least one person who is allured by it as much as I am.

Listening to xxyyxx helps me. I can't believe I'm going to see him in January I'm so fucking psyched.

Having things to look forward to really calms me down and I actually feel glad enough to want to hug everyone because things can be good and things can go well and I have things to be positive about.

I should move my blog/delete everything soon.

I will figure things out.

gasp//gaps

I am so bad with people and keeping everything in check in check in check I just feel like saying I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry all the time and I just want to be left alone alone alone but I feel the silence reverberate and I can't stand it I just can't and I wish to go to go to go but where do I go who do I go with what do I do why do I do this questions questions questions stop asking me I have no answers I am unsure and afraid and but if what how no no no goodbye I fear something anything everything stop asking me what why how I can't I just can't answer please please let me go no stop I want I just want to please please just please please let me breathe.

Walking home alone at 5 in the morning was comforting. It was one of the few times I felt completely at ease with my loneliness and anonymity, and I almost felt like I was anywhere but in Singapore. Youth Lagoon started to play in my head, When I was seventeen, my mother said to me, don't stop imagining, the day that you do is the day that you die, and I was happy, happy just being, even with the cold cradling my calves, even in the vast empty streets, so quietly at peace that I could stand in the open road and not care about my mortality.

I wanted to keep walking, for the time to stay at 5 in the morning, and the more I wished time would stop, the more I noticed silvers of light creeping into the sky from behind the tall buildings, the more I noticed that I lived in a world constantly in motion, and the moment was lost.

I was and am myself again.

psycho killer

when we used to be friends and we both liked this and when I had no idea what qu'est-ce que c'est meant.

I fucked up. I really, really fucked up, didn't I? Why am I always so bad with people? It took so much for me to trust you entirely, and I felt like I gave a piece of my soul to you, but I just lost all your trust like that. In a few words on a screen I lost what we have built for almost ten months now. Everything is this close to disappearing.

Or rather, a piece of me may be torn out, disembodied, replaced by a silver of your soul, whose shape does not fit my own crevice, but is what I can only settle for.

Bummer.