After the 3 hour long phone call we had, I still don't know if staying together is the best decision. It's not that there isn't any love anymore (au contraire), it's just that it's going to be painful for both of us.
I could have made a decision 12 months back to stop us from progressing, but I was selfish and I liked you enough then to prolong what we had. I knew the complexity and stickiness of the situation that was going to be but I am flawed, I am selfish, I was lonely and I was curious. Curious as to how you would look like closer, curious as to how tight your grasp would be, how safe I could possibly feel in your mere presence. I wanted to put my fingers through your hair, feel all that is both familiar and foreign, your lips, your nose, your eyelids, your fingers, your skin. Skin. The day you absent-mindedly reached out and held my hands lightly left an imaginary indentation I couldn't forget on my fingers and knuckles. And I haven't forgotten since.
3.21.2014
dissociation
It's been a while.
I haven't updated for a long time because I felt a little lost in my own world. I'm slowly getting out of it, but it's taking some time. Many things have happened over the past 5 weeks or so, and I've had good experiences and bad ones too, but nothing feels like it should warrant any keepsake on my blog. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, even as I hit low or high points in the past few weeks.
Today was different though. As I entered my faculty building, a great sense of dissociation struck me. I realised that, in my mind, I had never called this university my school. It doesn't really feel like the "school" I was so used to. Maybe it's the result of living here almost every day in the past two semesters. Maybe it's the fact that I hardly spend any time in school (other than hall). Whatever it is, I felt a sense of loss, because I can no longer identify with any institution. While I hated junior college, I knew that I could say that I was a "hwa chong" student with self conviction. I can still tell people that I'm from NUS, but what does that mean to me as an individual?
Frankly, it means nothing. It feels as if I'm here just to make use of it's resources. I don't have much pride for the university, but I'm also not dissatisfied. I feel a nonchalance for this place, in the most neutral way, simply because I cannot identify what identity the university has. It's a strange feeling, different from the love-hate relationship I had with my previous school.
It's been almost a year. And I haven't really noticed.
I haven't updated for a long time because I felt a little lost in my own world. I'm slowly getting out of it, but it's taking some time. Many things have happened over the past 5 weeks or so, and I've had good experiences and bad ones too, but nothing feels like it should warrant any keepsake on my blog. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, even as I hit low or high points in the past few weeks.
Today was different though. As I entered my faculty building, a great sense of dissociation struck me. I realised that, in my mind, I had never called this university my school. It doesn't really feel like the "school" I was so used to. Maybe it's the result of living here almost every day in the past two semesters. Maybe it's the fact that I hardly spend any time in school (other than hall). Whatever it is, I felt a sense of loss, because I can no longer identify with any institution. While I hated junior college, I knew that I could say that I was a "hwa chong" student with self conviction. I can still tell people that I'm from NUS, but what does that mean to me as an individual?
Frankly, it means nothing. It feels as if I'm here just to make use of it's resources. I don't have much pride for the university, but I'm also not dissatisfied. I feel a nonchalance for this place, in the most neutral way, simply because I cannot identify what identity the university has. It's a strange feeling, different from the love-hate relationship I had with my previous school.
It's been almost a year. And I haven't really noticed.