My irrational fears are attacking me again. I want it to stop. I can't sleep, I can't do anything right now but think about the same things, the same apocalypse, about being eaten alive, watching people die, images flashing across my eyes, transfixing images onto the current. I hear it too, the imagined sounds of people dying, of screaming, of growling, of teeth parting flesh.

I know they're fucking stupid irrational fears, but I can't. I just can't.

My love is increasingly measured by how much time I am willing to take out for a person. Is college meant to be this way? Where I dish out time credits for the ones I love and miss? 

I spread myself so thin because I want to show the people who matter that I still care about them. But unless they're in school, it feels like not everyone understands. I can feel my presence fading away from my friends' lives, and I am no longer relevant. Sometimes, I can see the expiration dates of my relationships with groups of people. That's why I hardly have cliques, or hang out in them. I can't accommodate everyone's schedule, and neither can everyone, so what's the point? It's easier to just meet up with one person at any time.

That said, I still feel left out, even though I understand why I'm being left out. Time is limited and precious, and it's a good thing, I guess, understanding this two decades into my existence.

memory//I haven't forgotten about you

I dreamt about you last night and you were back in my life. It was so ridiculously real that I bought it; we were talking again and it was wonderful and I felt like nothing has changed. But I woke up and felt like a stupid fool for believing that we had miraculously patched everything up. It can't ever be the same again, even if we started talking to each other. It just can't, because the trajectories of our lives are moving further and further apart, and the gulf between us never narrows. The physical distance between us is so much smaller than some of my dearest friends, but the metaphysical distance is a sea that cannot be crossed.

Sometimes I look outside my window, and, seeing the lit windows at 4 in the morning, I wonder what keeps these people awake. (And I hope the answer is not just work)