let's (not) call the whole thing off (?)

After the 3 hour long phone call we had, I still don't know if staying together is the best decision. It's not that there isn't any love anymore (au contraire), it's just that it's going to be painful for both of us.

I could have made a decision 12 months back to stop us from progressing, but I was selfish and I liked you enough then to prolong what we had. I knew the complexity and stickiness of the situation that was going to be but I am flawed, I am selfish, I was lonely and I was curious. Curious as to how you would look like closer, curious as to how tight your grasp would be, how safe I could possibly feel in your mere presence. I wanted to put my fingers through your hair, feel all that is both familiar and foreign, your lips, your nose, your eyelids, your fingers, your skin. Skin. The day you absent-mindedly reached out and held my hands lightly left an imaginary indentation I couldn't forget on my fingers and knuckles. And I haven't forgotten since.