dissociation

It's been a while.

I haven't updated for a long time because I felt a little lost in my own world. I'm slowly getting out of it, but it's taking some time. Many things have happened over the past 5 weeks or so, and I've had good experiences and bad ones too, but nothing feels like it should warrant any keepsake on my blog. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, even as I hit low or high points in the past few weeks.

Today was different though. As I entered my faculty building, a great sense of dissociation struck me. I realised that, in my mind, I had never called this university my school. It doesn't really feel like the "school" I was so used to. Maybe it's the result of living here almost every day in the past two semesters. Maybe it's the fact that I hardly spend any time in school (other than hall). Whatever it is, I felt a sense of loss, because I can no longer identify with any institution. While I hated junior college, I knew that I could say that I was a "hwa chong" student with self conviction. I can still tell people that I'm from NUS, but what does that mean to me as an individual?

Frankly, it means nothing. It feels as if I'm here just to make use of it's resources. I don't have much pride for the university, but I'm also not dissatisfied. I feel a nonchalance for this place, in the most neutral way, simply because I cannot identify what identity the university has. It's a strange feeling, different from the love-hate relationship I had with my previous school.

It's been almost a year. And I haven't really noticed.