Maybe it's the way I keep looking towards school and meeting new people with a sense of dread or apprehension. Maybe it's just the way my face looks. Maybe I'm just not a good person to be friends with. Whatever it is, it's been pretty tough to settle into a new school and environment.
Quite ironic, because I'm in the faculty studying social sciences but I seem to be lacking in the "social" area, as in, being sociable (lol).
Anyway, it seems that there's something wrong about me that makes it near impossible for me to connect with people easily. And the way I give the WORST first impressions. In almost every camp I've been to, (almost) everyone starts by telling me that I have this cold aura. Someone even called me an "ice cold princess".
And even if the "ice" has been broken and I manage to get off to a good start, and have good feelings about a friendship, things go downhill eventually and phone conversations go dead and it just...ends. Almost as quickly as it started, and it's been making me feel terrible and lonely.
My current state of weirdness and awkwardness was affecting me and distancing me from people I was once close to AS WELL AS people I am and will be meeting. The people closest to me are not as accessible as before, for many reasons: different faculties, different schools, different countries, different stages of their lives.
Realising all that made me really insecure and now I am just fearful in general and wanting everyone to come back, but no one is coming back and I am just calling to nothing.
The sun is still out now, and that always makes me feel a lot better, but I'm sure the moment night falls I'll start feeling like a pile of shit again! (Why is this blog so depressing.)
But in any case, someone told me to just keep smiling (which I'm trying). I can feel myself being sucked into the Whirlpool of Negativity and descending into the Black Hole of Jadedness AND I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.
Okay, things will get better soon (I hope).
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