future

I was in the backseat of the car of a friend and his brother, who was driving and had a charming voice. Somehow, the combination of the voice, the night, the alcohol and the criticisms of my future school gives me a certain intense nausea that makes me feel nervous, afraid (but also, sleepy). In such a short ride home, the resolution in me to major in humanities in this country crumbled and all I am left with is fear, apprehension and a sense of displacement. Was my education in the humanities for nothing?

It feels like the country is trying to tell me that the humanities are only for people who can afford it. If you love it, and you're rich, great, you can go overseas and pursue a humanities education that would be recognised and appreciated here, if not only for the name of said overseas college. If you love it, you're bright, but cannot afford the education overseas, getting into a law faculty here is still "great" (because I feel that law is not for everyone but that is another topic altogether). If you love it, but you're short of the grades or ability to get into a law faculty, you're stuck with the few options here that aren't the strongest faculties in their respective schools. The charming voice told me, "You're going to the best school here but to its worst faculty." and that scares me. Other mentions of "soul-sucking" and "becoming one of 'them'" (I have no idea what that means) intimidate me even more. Is studying the humanities here really that pointless and painful? What is with the general impression of the local humanities faculties?

I know I won't get any answers until after I experience the faculty for myself. By then, if I regret it, or if I do become too disillusioned, the so-called "solutions" would be to take a gap year or to transfer. What then?

The future of my education feels so tentative and uncertain. Or maybe I should just shut up and "be happy with what I have", but it's never that simple, is it?